I think it's amazing

Last night I was a workshop which talked about our power to respond to stress in a positive way, it was profound! I learned alot about myself and how I react to things and the thinking I attach to many things which cause me stress. I can be my own worst enemy at times when I assume or assign motive to people and circumstances that are not truth.

I am amazed at how well I think I'm guarding myself only to find how easily people can read me. A group of women last night showed me that they KNOW me even if only for a short time, they know me intimately...it was kind of spooky. So I wonder am I too transparent or have I fallen into a group of exceptionally perceptive women. The past 10 years of my life have been made up mostly of superficial friendships in the town I used to live in so this newfound honesty and reality is hard to me to grab hold of. I'm not used to people 'reading my mail' and knowing what I feel (often before I even know I feel it!). I'm still deciding if I'm comfortable with it but realize that this is a GOOD thing for me to come out of this shell I've buried myself in. I'm discovering that even under the persona...I'm amazing, I'm fun and I STILL like the REAL me!

Holy, all this change can wear a person out! lol. It's like the tight grip I've had on ME the past decade is being loosed and it's still all ok, I haven't fallen apart...people still like me and I'm just as cool as I always pretended to be! HA! Who knew? I think the safety in a new community (hence new life) is that nobody here knows me before right now so they accept what they see without hesitation or judgement...I really like that and I NEVER thought I would. The friendships I have made since moving have been liberating and soul cleansing, there are days I still pinch myself to see if it's real. I find myself sharing things I would have never breathed a word of to anyone and having people say "YOU TOO?" lol....I totally love this.

Becoming more real has changed me so much and I'm so happy to find that underneath all those layers of protection there breathes the woman I always wanted to be. I think I'm repeating myself but who the hell cares? This is more theraputic to get my thoughts down on 'paper' and then I don't forget stuff. wow wow wow! I feel emotionally lighter than I've felt in years, true joy and true happiness.

Come on get Happy

Life is good! Wow life is so good, it's one of those days when you feel you could embrace everyone and everything. I am so amazed at how much my world has changed in a year yet how good things have become. I never thought I'd like living in this part of the province but I truly love it....even the bad weather!

I think I work in the greatest place on earth, we have so much fun there and there is such a spirit of friendship. I've worked with cranky men so long I forgot how refreshing it is to hang out with women who are like me and who are creative and friendly. Now when I say "I need a latte and some chocolate' I'm UNDERSTOOD! lol. We have such a good time bouncing ideas off each other and helping with each others clients, it's fuel for my creativity if I'm stuck on a design or color scheme. I love that so much!

Yesterday we had a bit of a scare with my daughter and some bullies after school and I work in a place that says 'go home right now, take care of it..it's ok to be upset we've been there' then today to have them understand me wanting to change my hours so I can be there everyday after school...WOW. I drove home today so full of thanks that I can be with these types of people who have actually had children and raised them and understand the challenges of being a working parent, it's amazing! And they do all of this while letting me do a job I love.

On top of all of this frothiness, the weather is georgeous! My tulips are up and everything is so pretty and green...sigh, I love this time of year.

It's time for a latte ;)

A letter to myself

This idea was brought up on Oprah today and I thought it was brilliant, what would you say if you could write a letter to your younger self? The whole idea brought up alot of very good discussion with my daughter and myself so I thought I'd sit down and think about what I would tell myself.

Dear Kim,

First of all, remember wanting to change your name to Joi when you were little? You should have done it and been called by your middle name, it's much harder to change your name once you are older.

I want to let you know a few things you may not be taught by your parents. I want you to know that you will be lonely sometimes even when you are in love. You need to know that it is up to YOU to make yourself happy, not up to the people you are with. Life is going to hurt and dissapoint you but that's ok because you are strong enough to endure it and to grow and learn from those experiences. You need to solidly find what your passion is, what you are good at and go after it with all your heart...let NOTHING hold you back not even yourself. Never tell yourself that you will get to it later because later turns into years and then it can be to late, do it while it's in your heart and do it with ALL your heart, your life will be waiting when you return.

You need to be aware of the importance of family vs. friends and how short time can be when you waste it thinking your family will always be there while you hang out with your friends.

You should persue whatever career YOU want to, not what makes your mom happy. Working in a bank or being a teacher is not your hearts desire, neither is being a designer but those are safe solid occupations which made your mom feel proud. Make sure you study hard, don't waste time in college, hurry up and get your degrees and get out in the world and show it what you are made of so you aren't struggling along to finish university at night school.

Please don't get married too young, you have plenty of time to marry and have children..again your life will be waiting for you as you left it.

Most of all, live your life with honor and integrity so you can lay your head down at night and sleep an untroubled sleep. Love who you love with everything in you even if it means opening yourself up to hurt and heartache, you need to trust.

Feel everything you can with every pore, the sweet and the bitter.

Love you!
Kim

To Purge or not to Purge

Before anyone makes the assumption that I'm considering sticking a toothbrush down my throat, be assured I am pondering the benefits of unburdening yourself mentally.

I recently had a long talk with a new friend, this lady is insightful and thought provoking and one that I feel I can truly be myself with. We discussed many things over many hours and after I was left feeling light hearted and free and UNDERSTOOD, it was very liberating. The trouble is, NOW I'm feeling weird because I think we may have shared too much of ourselves and I feel strange talking to her because I feel that she might judge me. This is the reason I rarely open up to people because I feel things sometimes I would be embarrassed if anyone knew. The downside to this is never opening up and trusting anyone with what you really know is true about yourself which is an unhealthy and false way to live. In an effort to live life to it's fullest I must try to live as authentically as possible and I have to learn to trust people with who I am, not just with the person I want them to see. There is something about this friend that makes me very comfortable so I'm going with my instinct on this one, let's hope I don't get burned (again).

The people who affect me most in life are those who I perceive to be comfortable with themselves, true to who they are and still lead interesting and fulfilling lives. I come away from time with these sorts of people and feel like I've had a rebirth of sorts, like an emotional exfolliation. I want to be that sort of person, genuine, fun, honest and caring so people will crave time spent with me because it does THEM good. The trouble is, I've spent years perfecting this hard candy shell I have around me (so I melt in your mouth and not in your hands ha ha) that it's hard to crack it open sometimes. This is am working on with great passion because I have come to realize that I protect myself SO I don't get hurt and/or rejected but it backfires as people don't get close to me because I'm so well protected.


There is no pain in safety but often there is no true feeling either.

Breathe it in

Spring is here, I LOVE Easter. Actually I love all holidays, they are a reason to celebrate and to decorate with fun colors I wouldn't otherwise dream of! I've finished off the salads to take out to mom's tomorrow and we've garnished them with pink and purple easter eggs, to me that is fun and a stretch outside my normal views of what colors go together (unless I'm designing a little girls room then there are NO rules ;) )

Today, even though it SNOWED here, the air smells awesome! It smells like spring, I think you can actually smell the earth and plants coming to life. To some, January is a time of new beginnings but for me it's right now. Spring time is the time to start over again, renew and refresh yourself your home and your environment. Time to air out curtains and quilts, break out the sandles and paint your toes some wicked color!

Take a second tomorrow and BREATHE, smell it! Spring is here, this has to be the best time of year (next to fall and summer he he)

Never a dull moment

I had three separate coffee dates yesterday. The first with my new friend who is always bright, positive and interesting to talk to. The second was with my family who is usually frustrating, needy and manipulative. The third was with my husband and then with the musicians and singers as we practiced last night to sing this weekend. The third one was uplifting, full of laughter and creatively inspiring. Now I ask you, which one did I enjoy the most? When I look back I'm amazed that my family time is very fulfilling even though it is frustrating and it teaches me the most about me and my life.

I'm learning that as situations arise and (often) frustrate the heck out of me that I need to look for the life lesson within that situation instead of focusing ON the situation. I've lived 37 3/4 years taking things very personally and I'm realizing that it's not getting me very far and that energy and stomach lining is wasted without a thing being learned. So I return to yesterday's situation with my family and look at it with new perspective, shift my view and realize that I can learn something from this. I learned that I can love with boundaries and that it's OK to say 'no' and not operate from guilt. I also figured out that I will never manipulate my daughter to do anything under the guise of 'you OWE me' 'I'm your mother' because that just breeds hostility and resentment. We have children, we choose to have them and raise them and pour our entire life into them. To turn around when they are adults and say 'OK now you owe me for all of that' is crazy and what's worse....we as daughters BELIEVE IT!! We give the best of ourselves to our children at their worst possible times...when they are infants and toddlers and kids and teenagers. The time you return on your investment is when your kids are a little older and you can have a relationship, the time for teaching has diminished and you can just enjoy each others company. Little ones don't know any better, you give and they will take...and take and take and take, they don't know anything else! I think when my daughter was about 8 I burnt out a bit and had to realize that she would take everything I had to give and then some because she is a kid and that's how their world operates. Now I strike a healthy balance and I believe it's teaching her greater independence and strength and it's keeping me nurtured while I nurture.

Parenthood is a debt no child can repay, not ever. I've seen that the demand for repayment of this assumed debt tears adult children up and causes us to do stupid, unhealthy things in the name of love (guilt). I'm glad I had coffee with my family yesterday!

Personal

Lately my mood has been introspective, I have been spending a great deal of time thinking about things I need to do to make my life and situations better. Have I come up with anything profound? I think I'm onto some pretty good starts at understanding how I operate.

The first thing I've figured out is that we don't know ourselves because we don't take the time to get to know us. We are kept so busy with other things we rarely stop to dig deep and find out how we really feel about stuff. I must admit this past year has been hell, pure hell. I've swung from almost total destruction in my relationships to having my best friend betray me only to have my mom almost die. Top that off with a move to a new city, new friends, new job, new house..well you get the picture. Looking back NOW I see that I drifted through all of that with alot less emotion than I should have. This past month has shut me down and MADE me look at all that has happened this year and I've had to stop and ask myself how I feel. I must admit it's not fantastic but things are on the upswing!

Are we afraid to find out how we really feel? If we stopped for a moment or two would we like the results we find deep down inside? Somedays I think we actually avoid what we think we should feel or know. I think that if we were honest with ourselves more often we would be able to listen to that small voice inside, that nagging instinct that tells us things aren't quite right. If there is something I need to do this year it's live more in that mode, I need to live with myself in as many real moments as I can.

The second thing that I've been mentally chewing on is dreams. I know it's a pop culture catch phrase right now but we all have them and if we were truthful we'd see that they scare the pants off of us. I have always had a dream that I would someday sing for a living. I've done the things people do when they want to pursue this; I've taken years of voice training, piano, music theory, composing, conducting, traveled with groups, choirs, quartets. I've been in the recording studio 3 times in my life doing back up vocals for people or as part of a group. Sounds like a good start right? Except that's as far as I've ever gone. Why? Who knows! I have had strangers approach me and tell me that I'm amazing, had the director of a cruise ship offer me a job as a singer and I've always said thanks and RAN. Or joined a group to sing with. To actually step out on my own and risk it and ask someone of musical value and worth to critique me is as frightening as removing an organ....up until now. I realize at 37 I'm not going to be a 'rock star' but recently a woman who I don't know from Adam approached me and said 'you are musical, you have a gift that you need to share'. Everything she said to me is very personal and scary but the fact that she approached me and spoke RIGHT where I live made every hair stand up on my head. So I'm taking that as a confirmation that I need to do something with this, what I have no idea (yet) but things are brewing in my head.

On the note of dreams, often I find that we have a dream and that dream in and of itself is to big and too scary to even contemplate achieving so we either fragment it and tackle it in smaller bits or we do what I do....we divert. Diversion is a huge tact with me and I've done it all my life, one dream is too big so I'll divert and become a designer, a columnist, a singer in a local talent show. All of these things are good but NOT where I want to be and they satisfy this craving for a short time but it always comes back. Kind of like when you want chocolate and eat fruit instead, it's not going to work. So either I jump in, figure it out and do something or I continue this spiral I've been on trying to satiate this need in me. What would YOU do?